Happy Making Love Monday everyone;
Tomorrow is my anniversary and I could not be more happy to be married to the sweetest and most compassionate man (along with my dad) I’ve ever known. We’ve been married for 3 years but together for 5. Yes I know many of you are saying to yourself. “Just give it some time lady, he will change or your feelings will change.” But I beg to differ. What makes me so sure? Because this isn’t my first shot at love. I was married for 16 years before and I could never have written the words I just wrote above about him even after 16 years. That to me speaks volumes about getting it right the second go around.
You see the first time I was younger, immature, and more emotionally unstable. I wasn’t looking for a husband per se (although at the time I thought I was) I was actually looking for a father figure, someone who could take care of me, make decisions for me, and pretty much guide me through life. I always grew up feeling that I was not very smart, and very unsure about who I was. I guess you can just call it insecure. When you are insecure, you tend to attach yourself to people who either feed your insecurities by allowing you to stay in the fragile state by making you feel like a victim and they will protect you and make choices for you. The “It’s okay baby, I will take care of you and protect you from the bad people.” I thought my ex was my security blanket. He would tell me what I needed to become in life despite what I wanted to be, how I needed to think, and he tried to mold me into the image of the women in his head. The problem was, I began to grow, to mature and to see things more clearly. Eventually I realized that I did not marry my life partner, I married an amplified version of a father figure. Not like my dad, who has and is always supportive and caring. This man was something very much the opposite. He was controlling, and I was stuck. Or was I? I already had one child with him and every now and then I would see tiny glimpses of hope in the marriage, but that would quickly flicker a fade whenever I did something he did not approve of.
I started going to church and grew really close to God. I was at church at least 3 times a week not including Sunday. I read the bible like it was the last edition of Harper’s Bazaar. Things were suppose to get better if I prayed I thought. Then I had the not so bright idea that maybe another child would make things better, maybe if I had a boy this time things would improve. I got pregnant and had another beautiful girl. Things again seemed good but only for a short time. I was finally seeing that my reality was going to be to live life as a single mom with two kids. I had to divorce my father figure so that I could marry my Husband. You see I really had never been married in the true sense of the word. I had only had a figment of my imagination of what marriage was supposed to be. I had to find my Husband and get rid of my father. Again I must stress that my ex was nothing in comparison to my father, but for analogy purposes I am using the term father.
Which brings me to now. I didn’t go searching for him because the good Lord says that he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. I knew that he would have to find me but I prayed that I wouldn’t blow him off whenever he did come. Not to sound conceited by any means I am only painting a picture here, but many came and I blew them off, some I went to dinner with, but all of them ended up as nothing. I spent my time getting my master’s degree, nurturing my two daughters, adjusting to finally being free to be me, and learning who that new me was going to be. I lived this way comfortably for a while, but I continued to pray that same prayer that I would not blow him off when he finally arrived. How was I going to know when he arrived? None of the other guys seemed right for me, but how would I know for sure? I did not want to waste anymore time getting it wrong. This next time if there was going to be one, had to be foolproof, a sure thing, an ace in the whole. This made me very nervous and anxious at the same time. One day I was in my meditation time which was something that I practiced daily because it helped me keep my life and thoughts in focus. Anyways, I was in my meditation time and it was as if I had an epiphany, an ah ha moment. I would make a list of things I would need to see in my future potential husband. I felt so empowered now because finally I was in charge, I was calling the shots and I was the one deciding what was going to make ME happy. I quickly grabbed my pen and pad that I usually used as my daily To-Do list and I started writing. My hands could hardly keep up with my thoughts and some things were written like scribble but I was making my blueprint for my husband to be. I titled it: A Good Man. Here was my list:
A good man always supports you.
a good man will always support you in what you want out of your life. He will never discourage you or make you feel as though you can’t do what you set out to do. He will be beside you every step of the way, cheering you on in your victories and comforting you during your defeats. He will let you be free to be you. He will not be a dream killer.
A good man will inspire you.
a good man will not only be supportive as above, but he will inspire you merely by being the man who he is. If he is ambitious, goal oriented, and hard-working, this will only inspire you to be a better. He should have drive and be about taking care of business no matter what his profession.
A good man will work to keep your trust.
a good man will always be trustworthy. No one should be able to tell you about your man doing anything shady or inappropriate because that would just simply be untrue. And a good man will want you to be comfortable and confident in knowing that he is trustworthy. You should never have to question his whereabouts or late night phone calls, etc. Ladies you know what kind of man I am talking about. He will understand that trust is not just handed over to someone, it has to be earned, and then it has to be kept.
A good man will always make you feel beautiful.
a good man will understand that making you feel beautiful does not just mean telling you . It means making you feel beautiful by the way he looks at you, touches you, and treats you. He should look at you as if you are the best thing since Skippy peanut butter. I know that is so cliché but you understand where I am going. When you see yourself as fat and unattractive, he should be asking you to put on his glasses because he doesn’t see what you see at all. He should notice small details in your appearance like your new nail polish color, a new outfit, hairstyle, or that you have lost some weight. A good man will understand that whether you are in your sweatpants with no makeup and your hair pulled in a bun sitting on the couch or in your evening gown heading to an office party, when you love someone for who they truly are, everything about them becomes beautiful.
A good man does the little things.
a good man has your back when life throws its curve balls your way. Do you need the kids picked up? Do you need him to pick up dinner because you have a deadline to meet and have to work late? He knows that you love pedicures, so he grabs a gift certificate from your nail salon and tells you to treat yourself. He knows that you absolutely love lemonheads so he surprises you with a box of them. He understands that it is the little things that matter most to women and he makes sure he does it.
A good man never crosses the line.
a good man will never turns a disagreement or argument into a personal assault time against you. He should never call you out of your name or put his hands on you. A good man will remain calm and focus on the topic at hand and never go to bed angry.
A good man will open up to you.
a good man will find a way to express his emotions, fears, and even his inner most desires no matter how uncomfortable it makes him. A good man, knows how to strike a balance between what he wants to keep private while not hiding things that are important for you to know. He also knows not to keep things bottled up inside.
A good man will stand by you.
a good man commits his love and time to you without rules or requirements. He understands that there will be good times and not so good times. There will be challenges and unexpected situations that will come. But he will always stay by your side and be your teammate through it all. Any man can be by your side on the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not he will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days.
A good man never lets you forget how much he loves you.
a good man will show affection towards you. He will kiss you just because, he will give you a love touch out of the blue. A good man will make you feel loved, wanted, and appreciated.
A good man loves his mother
a good man loves his mother. After all if a man doesn’t have a good relationship with his mother then how do you expect him to have one with you? Mother’s are their sons first teacher about how to love.
My list was not this organized but the headings were there. I still have the note safely tucked away to remind me of how I got to where I am now and the road I had to travel.
And as my life’s story goes on, a short time later he came. My soul mate, the man that I mapped out in my checklist. When he came, I knew it was him. Not immediately because I had to be sure that I really got it right this time. My checklist had to be tested. He passed, not because I gave him the answers, not because I had to tell him how I needed to be treated, but because he was the man God created for me a long time ago before I even started entertaining his conversation. He was the man that God spoke to my thoughts about as I sat and wrote down my list. He was made for me and hand delivered to my heart. I will keep him there without a doubt in my mind because he after all is MY HUSBAND, MY GOOD MAN and not my father.